Are you an infomaniac?

As a result of experiencing a great deal of uncertainty in my life right now, I have embarked on a process to learn everything I can about how to deal with, manage and embrace uncertainty. I thought I would share my personal insights in the hope that it is helpful to someone else.

Before I start I have to make a confession. I am an Infomaniac!

An infomaniac is a person who has a crazy thirst for knowledge, data and information. And I admit it, I am a big one. 

Infomania

I hunt and gather information constantly. I stalk it and strip it down searching hungrily for a juicy bite. I often hunt at night, but not in a pack, I am a lone ranger. I secretly sneak to my laptop or my bookcase in the middle of the night and scavenge for a quote, a piece of research or an article that provides me just the wisdom I need or think I need!. I source information greedily. And I regularly spent time analysing and questioning the information I collect.

An inner analyst

In fact if I am honest, it was only late last year that I came face to face with my inner analyst. Apparently many people in my life saw her as clear as day, But for me, well, she lived in my shadow. Not that I was embarrassed about her, I just did not realise she was there. As with most things on our journey of self discovery, just when we think we know ourselves, something interesting happens and we discover another facet of our fascinating character.

A coping mechanism?

I have realised now that my infomania is my coping mechanisms for anxiety. In fact it is my favourite coping mechanism for anxiety. It is not as harmful or as shameful as my other coping mechanisms for anxiety - smoking, drinking red wine or eating an entire packet of tim tams in the middle of the night.

My infomanic keeps me safe or at least it tricks me into thinking it does. It survives on "If I know everything there is to know about something then I am safe". "If I am knowledgeable then I can feel like the expert, then I feel confident and then I will be safe". This  big revelation came recently at a weekend course I am doing as well as from reading 'The Happiness Trap' again (Russ Harris). It has caused me to face the fact that perhaps my thirst for knowledge, my love of learning and my intense curiosity might all just be coping strategies to keep me from feeling anxious.  I wonder?

A control strategy?

Interestingly my coping strategies are also control strategies. Because sourcing information is something I can control and I do it well. I have control over buying that book, downloading that article or reading that research paper.

I have discovered that I research hard to find a strategy with the intention of increasing my ability to control the outcome. Wouldn't that be nice, I think. Conceptually I know better, but that does not always translate into productive behaviours! My infomania makes me feel like I am doing something proactive. And in some ways it is useful. It's certainly not dangerous but it could be holding me back from embracing uncertainty.

A distraction?

What I am also proposing is we cannot learn to deal with the anxiety of uncertainty by drowning ourselves in information. In fact this is just a distraction. A distraction from feeling the feeling of anxiety. A distraction from the danger hidden in the unknown. A distraction from feeling that hot and shaky way I feel when I feel anxious. It is not a pleasant feeling and I do not want to sit with it, thanks very much! But like any fear, once we face it, it loses it's power.

A laying down of arms

Unfortunately I am discovering my knowledge will not save me from my fears. Sometimes we have to face them and face them alone. Sometimes we have to rely on our inner wisdom. The idea of this makes me feel naked and scared. The idea of not having external knowledge or not being fully informed is nerve-wracking. The idea that I have to lay down my shield of books. The idea that I have to disarm and hand in my stockpile of artillery in the form of information.That idea is in itself an experience of uncertainty. But it is one that I am  prepared to experiment with. Slowly at first, as my letting go of the safe hand of knowledge will be a gentle one.

The size of my library

But overall what I am realising it that the size of my library does not determine my self-worth, my value and my ability to contribute to society in a meaningful way!

So who am I then?
Redefining our sense of self can sometimes require us to face uncertainty in and of itself!

Because who am I if I am not the intellectual? If I am not the researcher?  If I am not the bookworm? The expert? Te restless learner? The infomaniac?  If knowledge is power and I let my obsession with knowledge go, will I be powerless?

Right now, I choose to believe that life brings us just what we need, at the time we need it, to learn the lessons that we most need to grow and expand! So bring it on, I choose to be grateful for this experience with uncertainty...the journey of self discovery is always an adventure!